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As someone who’s experienced ground-breaking spiritual moments at certain points in my life, I sometimes find myself trapped in a super annoying pattern. I call them spiritual hurdles.

The pattern is as follows. I feel a promise whispered to me from my subconscious that if I just meditate for a certain amount of time longer I will experienced newfound spiritual growth. Out of belief in this whisper, I proceed to meditate for an indefinite amount of time. Ninety-nine percent of the time, this momentum eventually just fizzles, but not after exerting a deep extended effort that leaves me very tired.

The reason I believe this whisper is likely because at a rare moment in my past it actually worked, but I’m not sure my subconscious actually knows what it claims to promise. Truth-teller or a liar? Which is it?

The pattern involves another element. The promise of growth says this: “if I just succeed at reaching a new moment of spiritual depth, I will experience a shift, and I can proceed to do something different. I can proceed to do what I actually want.”

This is the classic paradox of seeking enlightenment. The spiritual seeker needs to experience a cessation of effort, but the cessation only occurs if they succeed at finding enlightenment. So they continue to be effortfully mindful in the hopes that they find what they’re looking for and their effort can cease. The problem is if they don’t succeed then they will just continue to put in mindful effort indefinitely.

This has been occurring to me in another context. I recently started working on a new entrepreneurial project that I am very excited about and I am a hundred percent committed to it. However my energy fluctuates: some days I work on it a lot, but other days I feel stifled. To a less neurotic person it would be a simple situation: rest and then work more later. However for me, I am constantly experiencing these spiritual hurdles. I think to myself if I can only meditate for long enough and then experience a deepening of my sense of purpose, then I will be able to work even more effortlessly and continuously.

What do you think? Do spiritual hurdles lead to the finish line, or are they a false promise?